Addiction

Disclaimer:  This is an extremely personal and difficult topic for me.  If you are not prepared for a very serious post,  feel free to exit the page.

Backstory:  My sister, who is 13 years older than me, is one of my best friends in the world.  We have always been extremely close.  We are so similar physically, emotionally, mentally that it can be scary at times.  We laugh alike, talk alike, have the same smile, say the same things at the same times, buy the same clothes (separately) and unknowingly wear them the same day.  We are twin spirits and have this connection that I am so blessed to have.

When I was in college (and my sister was not married), I would spend every night of my summer vacation at her condo.  We would laugh until we cried, watch awesomely bad reality TV, have fat kid moments we should be ashamed of, and then fall asleep in the "belly of the whale", as we so lovingly call her bed.  The next day, she would head to work, I'd head home, and then around 5 that night, I'd be back at her condo waiting for her to come home so we could repeat the process.  I loved my summers with her.  One of my favorite summer shows is one she introduced me to, So You Think You Can Dance.  We would sit on the couch watching the dances while eating coffee milkshakes.  One of our all-time favorite choreographers is Mia Michaels.  She has choreographed some of the most amazing, emotionally filled dances.  She has brought me to tears several times.  Last night was no exception.  She choreographed a dance on addiction and, it just so happened, one of my favorite couples on the show this season danced it.  I have replayed the dance several times and every time it brings me to tears.  I will post the video at the end for those who want to see it.

But first, another backstory.  For the first 10 years of my life, my sister was caught up in a crippling addiction to alcohol and later heroin.  In the early years, I didn't really know.  I knew there was always tension surrounding her and my parents, but I was so young and it was all I knew, so I just didn't realize anything.  However, one night I overheard my mom talking to her best friend on the phone about my sister having been pulled over that day and the car being searched and drugs being found.  In that moment, all of the pieces fit.  I asked my mom about it later that night.  She, thankfully, was honest with me.  She explained it as best you can to an 8(that's an estimate) year old.  That night while I was getting ready for a bath, my sister came over.  She was in a rage.  I don't know the specifics of it, but I do remember she came into the bathroom to see me for a few minutes.  I was terrified of her.  All of a sudden, she was no longer my sister.  I saw her in a new and terrifying light.  As I got out of the tub, she was getting ready to leave.  She was arguing loudly with my mom.  I remember coming out just in time to see her slap my mom in the face and storm out.  My heart was broken.  How could the person I looked up to most be this terrifying stranger?

The next two years were full of scary moments, fights with my parents (with the cops being called one night), late nights in the car with my dad as he tried to drag my sister out of the bars, early mornings waiting outside of a methadone clinic my dad took her to.  Nothing someone that young should have to endure.  My sister defied the odds.  She shouldn't be alive today, but she is.  Surviving multiple years addicted to such a horrible drug.  Having guns pointed at her, surviving unhealthy relationships.  There is only one thing that could have saved her... God.  He, in time, helped her come to the end of her rope.  She finally saw that something needed to change, and thankfully it wasn't too late.  My dad helped detox her from the methadone in the summer of 1996.  Because my mom worked full time, my summer days were always spent with my dad.  So, again, I was present for another step of my sister's terrifying journey.  After she detoxed, she checked herself into a treatment facility and she has been sober since... nearly 14 years.  It hasn't always been easy, and there have been times that I really worried about her.  Her 10th year was a particularly tough one.

I still live with the fear of her relapse.  Because we are so similar, I can tell when she is struggling.  When she starts to struggle, I can't help but worry about her sobriety.  If she has taught me one thing, it's that sobriety is not easy.  It is something that you have to work on every day for the rest of your life.  If she stops taking care of herself, she could easily turn back.  I am so incredibly blessed to have been able to see my sister turn her life around.  She is such an inspiration to me.  She is still the person I look up to most.  She has always been there for me.  Though we have lived completely different lives, her advice is always incredibly helpful.  I was able to learn from her mistakes and her path.... so much so, that the thought of drinking alcohol still scares me a little.  It's a healthy fear, though.  It took me 6 months after my 21st birthday to have a drink.  I still, to this day, don't really drink.  I have a hard time even finishing one drink.  From time to time, I will order something when I'm out with Scott, but he always ends up finishing at least half of it.  

This is something that has forever shaped my life and it has helped my sister and I reach a place in our relationship that not everyone reaches.  We understand just how lucky we are to even be here.  I am so blessed to still be able to say I have a sister.  She has come so far, and I am so incredibly proud of her.  This isn't something that I openly talk about, for obvious reasons.  But, she has posted her testimony on her blog (and it is incredibly powerful... you can read it here) and with her permission, I was able to share this part of my life with you.  

Now for the dance.  Mia did an incredible job portraying addiction.  The dancers did an incredible job expressing Mia's vision.  I really hope you all enjoy watching this dance.  It left me in tears last night, and I'm so glad that my hubby was there to just hold me and silently let me know he was there for me.